tekuates: (liberty/justice)
I saw a movie last week with my brother, a horror movie called It Follows, which was fantastic and terrifying. I don't see much horror - I have a used-to-be-girlfriend-now-friend who loves horror, so I watched some stuff with her. But overall I'm conscious that I'm too much of a baby for horror. My imagination grabs hold of the details and uses them to make me miserable and terrified, for days. It Follows was incredibly scary, and the premise was also perfect for freaking me the hell out. It was great.

I've been writing so much lately, almost every day. It's intoxicating. I'm working on a hockey zombie AU that I'm loving loving loving so far, except that it's gotten stuck. I think this is because it's only the main character at the beginning, no one to interact with, and I'm having the worst time writing scenes and scenes without dialogue. But the lack of dialogue is important, because the beginning is supposed to be complete silence, trapped in this house having to be completely silent for weeks and weeks. And then eventually he has to leave, still by himself, and by the time he finally finds someone he knows, he's both terrified of silence and terrified of not being silence, and probably suffering from PTSD. But first I have to get to the part where he meets another person. I don't know.
tekuates: (liberty/justice)
You know, even though I'm up at five in the morning to do a paper that's due in a few hours, I still feel weirdly like I'm being responsible and getting shit done. I guess it's an improvement on the past, where I would just think, "Well, I'm sure it'll be fine," and just go to sleep and not do it. But still not...ideal. It's done, though, and I only have one paper left. Which, surprise, I'm also doing at the very last minute. But the important thing is that it'll be done, right?
I guess I'm feeling weird for a few reasons. The most obvious being the three hours of sleep I got. I've never had trouble sleeping, not like this, not even last year when my roommate would come and go at all hours and make no effort to be quiet. I don't know what it is. But the other reason is that I'm staying here next year; I'm not transferring or going somewhere else. It's strange. Three years in a row now, I haven't been in the same place. I'm beginning to realize that I use leaving as a coping mechanism. It's what I always try to do in arguments, just walk away, leave me alone, don't talk to me. I never want to fight. And I do the same thing in life - the problem being that making fresh starts can get to be a habit. Sometimes you just need to make an effort at what you're actually doing.
And then I've got my...story. I hesitate to call it a book; that's what it feels like, but I'm only 7000 words in and I feel like if I talk about it or think about it too much as a finished product, it never will be. So story it is. It's strange to write. I've never written original fiction this long. And I've never written anything as long as it feels like it's going to be. I'm still getting a handle on the characters, the main one especially. I think I'm writing her too similarly to myself, which is a problem because I have no self-perception whatsoever, and it makes it really hard to understand her at all. If someone asked me to describe her personality, I'd have no actual answers. Clearly something I need to work on.
And with that I'm gonna...not go to bed! Because I have class in ~3 hours and while I need more sleep, I know there's no way in hell I'll get up for class if I go to sleep now. Who needed a sleep schedule anyway!


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September 2017


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